1. |
intro: welcome
00:41
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welcome, ladies, gentlemen
and everyone outside the binary
original music's what you'll find here
this album's cover-free
welcome to my mental breakdown
welcome to anxiety
every song upon this album's
written and recorded
sung and supported
mixed and distorted
in the month of February
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2. |
never
03:11
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were you there when the walls caught fire?
did you care when the windows broke?
did you cry, when it stung your eyes,
or did you blame it on the smoke?
did you see how the sky turned black?
did you watch as my body burned?
through the ash, did you ever look back?
or did you never ever return?
you never learned
you never saw
you never heard
yourself in all my songs
were you there when the walls caught fire?
did you care when the windows broke?
did you cry, when it stung your eyes,
or did you blame it on the smoke?
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3. |
and you love him?
01:29
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and you love him
even when his knife is in your back
and you love him, and you love him
and you love him
even in the panic attack
and you love him, and you love him
(stay til i don't love you anymore)
and you love him
even when the sky fades to black
and you love him, and you love him
(stay til i don't love you anymore)
and i tried to tell you
he's not coming back
and you love him, and you love him
(stay til i don't love you anymore)
and you love him, and you love him
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4. |
radium girl
04:06
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six days a week she'd wake up at five
and drink enough coffee to kill a small child
check in the mirror, make sure she's alive
get on her bike
she'd head down to the factory all by her lonesome
no gloves and no mask, just her uniform
and gossip with the girls, not much fun
but better than working alone
radium girl with stars in your eyes
what stole away your glow?
you look so lonely these days
does nobody know?
she'd bike back home with shimmering hands
at the border of evening and late afternoon
and though it was dark and she hated the man
her lover's smile cut through the gloom
she'd turn on her side and stay wide awake
and wish he'd remember to talk
as her hair fell out and her hands would shake
and she stared at the glow of her watch
radium girl with stars in your eyes
what stole away your glow?
your bones are so brittle these days
does nobody know?
radium girl with stars in your eyes
what stole away your glow?
your bones are so brittle these days
does nobody know?
you're sure that it's harmless, you're sure that it's fine
but your head's a mess and you keep losing time
you're nauseous and shaky and you've never felt so cold
and you're almost sure that this isn't you just getting old
and the girls at the factory say that they're feeling the same
there's no reason to worry is what the doctors all say
but the factory closed down and your lover's gone
so you ask yourself, where did it all go wrong?
radium girl with stars in your eyes
what stole away your glow?
you look so lonely these days
does nobody know?
radium girl with stars in your eyes
what stole away your glow?
you feel like there's poison inside you
thank god you don't know
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5. |
interlude: honesty
00:25
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i'm not good at writing things about me
i'm not good at total honesty
but from this point on i promise you'll hear
nothing but the truth
nothing but my fear
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6. |
Narcissus
04:52
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all i've ever needed is external validation
that sweet audience participation
that rush of happy that comes from being liked
and yeah sometimes i go a bit overboard
a bit scared of being ignored
and yeah it's true that i can get a little bit out of my mind
but it's all fine
it's sweeter than wine
when someone's fine with me
so gimme gimme gimme your love
tell me i am enough
for the shit in my head
to believe it instead
oh, oh...
gimme gimme gimme your praise
listen to me whine all day
'cause i'm more insecure than i can say
and if i don't hear your love i forget
all i've ever been is empty in my bones
it's all i've ever known
and it's like a hunger, screaming at me to make sure i'm liked
so i consume everybody's words
i sing until i'm heard
and the insecurity fades into white
but it's all fine
i memorize the things my ego says until i can recite it
line by line
and it hurts but i know it's true
i'm not good enough for you
or anyone who's in my life
gimme gimme gimme your love
tell me i am enough
for the shit in my head
to believe it instead
oh, oh...
gimme gimme gimme your praise
listen to me whine all day
'cause i'm more insecure than i can say
and if i don't hear your love i forget
and i'm sorry that i'm like this
sorry that i'm never fine
sorry every sentence out of my mouth starts with "i"
and i know that it's pathetic
that i act like a child
and i know that there is no one who will sit and watch me cry
but i'm Icarus
if i fly high enough i can pretend i'm free
i am Narcissus
wishing my reflection wasn't me
i could stare in the mirror for hours at a time
pointing out all my flaws and covering them up
and i have to become the best thing in anybody's life
i have to make them think i'm good enough
for the shit in my head
to believe it instead
oh, oh...
so gimme gimme gimme your praise
listen to me sing all day
'cause i'm more insecure than i can say
and i'm not finished yet
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7. |
borderline
03:53
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when it's all over and you go offstage
when you burn your journals page by sorry page
when the thrill of somebody buying your album fades into dust
b-b-b-borderline between rage and numb
b-b-b-borderline between rage and numb
when all your lovers run away
when the alcohol in your bloodstream fades
when it's all over and morning comes
you're on the borderline between rage and numb
b-b-b-borderline between rage and numb
and everybody needs to love you or you're nothing at all
everybody needs to love you or you're nothing at all
what if they don't?
what if you're lonely at four in the morning
and nobody answers your calls?
you cry like you're nothing at all
you need everyone
b-b-b-borderline between rage and numb
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8. |
to sleep
02:44
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darling, i'd do anything to sleep a little longer
to be a little stronger
to sleep at night
and i'd do anything to sleep until the morning
to create without destroying
to be alright
and i wish i could be dead inside
it's exhausting
i feel everything
i think i'm losing my mind
when is it over?
when will it stop?
i'd do anything to sleep a little longer
to be a little stronger
to sleep at night
and i'd do anything to sleep until the morning
to sing without performing
to be alright
self-sabotage
can't live without it
can't get around it
i'm a mess
when is it over?
when did it start?
i'd do anything to sleep a little longer
to be a little stronger
to sleep at night
and i'd do anything to sleep until the morning
to ask without imploring
to be alright
and i'm not even angry
god, i wish i was
wish i was spitting mad
out for blood
i wish it was enough
i'd do anything to sleep a little longer
to be a little stronger
to win this fight
i'd do anything to sleep until the morning
to dream without the poison
to be alright
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9. |
prism
03:16
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i don't know if i'm ever going back
i got your message and i hear you're doing well
heard you moved out and made a name for yourself
and i've spent the last three years running from my mind
and i'm sorry i left you behind
i don't know if i'm ever going back to the city where you live
i don't know if leaving you is something you could ever forgive
but if you call my name (hey) i'll meet you where we used to hide
and i'll apologize
your life goes by in comments and posts and photographs
you like each picture that i take of makeup and my cat
and i spent two years in Manhattan wishing you could see it
if you could see me now, would you believe it?
i don't know if i'm ever going back to the city where you live
i don't know if leaving you is something you could ever forgive
but if you call my name, i'll meet you where we used to hide
and i'll apologize
for leaving you behind
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10. |
loveless
01:12
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i, i'm loveless, it's true
i'm not hopeless like you
i'm not obsessed with folks who don't get me
i'm 'bout what's physical, that don't need feelings
i, i'm loveless and glad
i'm my own person, no other version, no woman or man
could ever mean more to me than my own goddamn plans
hopeless aromantic, nothing wrong with that
'cause i'm loveless except for my love for my cat
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11. |
into the water (demo)
02:28
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dead and gone
under the river
follow me
into the water
you should come over
the hour is late
the door's unlocked
i'm right where you left me
i'll say it slower
the walls are gray
my breath has gone
i'm waiting
leave on the light
windows wide open
step into flight
love, you left my heart broken
dead and gone
under the river
follow me
into the water
i, i'm where you left me
i've been waiting
i've been shaking
it's in my lungs, clear and blue
i waited centuries for you
it's cold
did you forget me and grow old?
how long's it been, my cruel love?
how long did you wait above?
did you spend your whole life running?
i'll forgive it, i'm coming
dead and gone
under the river
follow me
into the water
dead and gone
under the river
follow me
into the water
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12. |
come and find me (demo)
03:16
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deep in the woods
under the snow
sleeping on stone
deep in the woods
under the snow
buried below
deep in the woods
lost in the cold
i wait alone
come and find me
come and find me
deep in the woods
under the snow
silent as stone
deep in the woods
heartbeat slowed
frozen as hope
deep in the woods
the wind blows
the call of a crow
come and find me
come and find me
come and find me
come and find me
come and find me
come and find me
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Jai Mohan New York, New York
Jai Mohan is a genre-fluid composer based out of New York. he writes music about queerness, gender, polytheism, disability, big feelings, tiny moments, and the mortifying ordeal of being known.
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