1. |
addicted
01:24
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i'm addicted to everything lately
do you know all i've been?
i've been sick i've been sad i've been crazy
i'm addicted to cuts on my skin
i'm addicted to sex, or just coming
i'm addicted to feeling a thrill
and i know, oh i know that this hurts me
and i know yes i know that it kills
i'm addicted to marijuana
i'm addicted to harming myself
i'm addicted to shrooms and to liquor
i'm addicted to everything else
anything i can get my hands on
there's addiction in my brain
to substance and behavior
i'm addicted to being without pain
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2. |
afterparty
02:18
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i'm leaving the afterparty
but i still feel your arms around me
wonder if you're still all about me
i'm leaving the afterparty
but i still feel you on my body
going down, you're coming with me
bittersweet, halfway bruised
your voice robs my intentions of all they had to lose
on your feet, clap your hands
as if my body ever lent itself to dance, oh,
i'm leaving the afterparty
but i still feel you on my body
i still feel you on my body
over and out to the end of the line
i'm leaving the afterparty
but i still feel your arms around me
going down and you're coming with me
biting my tongue 'cause i still taste your mouth on mine
i still taste your mouth on mine
would you ever have loved me?
would you have ever dared?
would you have ever seen me?
would you have even cared?
why does it hurt to see you?
why do i want to stare?
why do i want to be you?
why am i not scared?
i'm leaving the afterparty
but i still feel you on my body
i still feel you on my body
over and out to the end of the line
i'm leaving the afterparty
but i still feel your arms around me
going down and you're coming with me
biting my tongue 'cause i still taste your mouth on mine
i still taste your mouth on mine
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3. |
warning signs
04:10
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when you met me
i was lonely
desperate to be
wanted, loved
you were charming
you were clever
i fell under
i fell down
and i love all your warning signs
and i love all your petty crimes
and i love all your wasted time
you love me not, it's fine
there is nothing
but the echo
of your voice
in my head
you were lovely
you were endless
and all good things
must end
you wear your red flags like the crown of a king
and i swear you ruined everything
you reach into me and tear my heart in half
and i'd follow you to hell and back
and i love all your warning signs
and i love all your petty crimes
and i love all your wasted time
you love me not, it's fine
and i love all your warning signs
and i love all your petty crimes
and i love all your wasted time
you love me not, it's fine
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4. |
butterfly
05:01
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these are all the things/ you said/ in your head/ when you met me:
i'll give you butterfly knives, butterflies in your gut/ fill your cup til it tips from too much
heart eyes, sweet lies, ruin your plans/ i'll give you a heart attack
i'm gonna shine sunlight on your face/ pick you up and watch you fall down
gonna grow like rot inside your brain/ nothing can get me out now
i'm gonna seep down into all your pores/ rust your silver crown
once your heart was gold/ it's iron in you now/ i've got you down
i'll give you butterfly knives, butterflies in your gut/ fill your cup til it tips from too much
heart eyes, sweet lies you say, i say back/ i'll give you a heart attack
play with blades and you're gonna get cut/ get you so hot that you're flushed
darling, i'll drive you mad/ i'll give you a heart attack
i'm gonna rewrite what's in your head/ twist up all your words
you're gonna wish that you were dead/ it's gonna hurt
i'm gonna make you not know what's real/ take away everything you love
and you're never gonna heal/ you'll never be enough/ i'm gonna call you my only love
i'll give you butterfly knives, butterflies in your gut/ fill your cup til it tips from too much
heart eyes, sweet lies you say, i say back/ i'll give you a heart attack
play with blades and you're gonna get cut/ get you so hot that you're flushed
darling, i'll drive you mad/ i'll give you a heart attack
i'll give you a heart attack
and the best part is that you'll adore it/ every moment, you will let me kill you
i will eat your heart and tangle up your sinews
and i'll fit like a second skin to hide what's good about you
and the best part is that you adore it/ every moment, you'll let me kill you
i will eat your heart and tangle up your sinews
and you'll miss me like a limb whenever i'm not with you
see,/ i wish you'd said this out loud to me/ the day we met
'cause letting you pull me in was my worst regret
hurt like a butterfly knife, butterflies in my gut/ filled my poison cup til it overflowed
hard eyes, sweet lies, it hurt so bad/ it hurt like a heart attack
your words are blades that like to cut/ you loved it when i felt alone
darling, you drove me mad/ i'm giving your pain back
i'll give you a heart attack
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5. |
haunt
03:32
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i stitched myself up a brand new heart
with velvet, scarlet red
i wrapped myself up there in the dark
and worked through the night with needle and thread
and when the sun comes up
i'll look at the sky
and wonder why i'm not dead
but it's not time yet
i am the house i haunt
my grief is crumbling, a dead rose
my fear will fade and rot
displayed in neat and tidy rows
and when the sun comes up
i will have caught
the thing inside my soul
i am in control
this ship is unsinkable
my voice is unshakable
no hand can hurt me
no tongue can curse me
this heart is unbreakable
my mind is infallible
i am a song; i am a story
nothing and no one can stop me
somebody tried to silence my song
somebody tried to put out my light
but no one could keep me quiet for long
no one will make me run and hide
and when the sun comes up
i'll greet the dawn
stitch myself back together at night
it's almost time, it's almost time
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6. |
i don't like being happy
01:30
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i don't like being happy
it's not my way
i get nervous when it's all okay
yeah i'm happy
at least for now
clap your fucking hands and lemme take a bow
i'm happy
whatever that means
i'm not blurry but i burst at my oldest seams
it's sappy
the way i feel
i'm not used to happy even being real, hey
i don't like being happy
when evening ends
i am terrified that even now i don't have friends
i get happy,
it makes me sad
every time i'm happy, happy feels so bad
and i like knowing when it's gonna pass
happy isn't something that can ever last
i get anxious, i get in my head
happy's always gonna get choked by dread
i don't like being happy
can i be numb?
i am terrified that i am not enough
when i'm happy,
at peace with you
i get happy, then i don't know what to do
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7. |
narcissus
04:53
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all i've ever needed is external validation
that sweet audience participation
that rush of happy that comes from being liked
and yeah sometimes i go a bit overboard
a bit scared of being ignored
and yeah it's true that i can get a little bit out of my mind
but it's all fine
it's sweeter than wine
when someone's fine with me
so gimme gimme gimme your love
tell me i am enough
for the shit in my head
to believe it instead
oh, oh
gimme gimme gimme your praise
listen to me whine all day
'cause i'm more insecure than i can say
and if i don't hear your love i forget
all i've ever been is empty in my bones
it's all i've ever known
and it's like a hunger, screaming at me to make sure i'm liked
so i consume everybody's words
i sing until i'm heard
and the insecurity fades into white
but it's all fine
i memorize the things my ego says until i can recite it
line by line
and it hurts but i know it's true
i'm not good enough for you
or anyone who's in my life
gimme gimme gimme your love
tell me i am enough
for the shit in my head
to believe it instead
oh, oh
gimme gimme gimme your praise
listen to me whine all day
'cause i'm more insecure than i can say
and if i don't hear your love i forget
and i'm sorry that i'm like this
sorry that i'm never fine
sorry every sentence out of my mouth starts with "i"
and i know that it's pathetic
that i act like a child
and i know that there is no one who will sit and watch me cry
but i'm Icarus
if i fly high enough i can pretend i'm free
i am Narcissus
wishing my reflection wasn't me
i could stare in the mirror for hours at a time
pointing out all my flaws and covering them up
and i have to become the best thing in anybody's life
i have to make them think i'm good enough
for the shit in my head
to believe it instead
oh, oh...
so gimme gimme gimme your praise
listen to me sing all day
'cause i'm more insecure than i can say
and i'm not finished yet
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8. |
liars like you
03:08
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la- liars like you like liars like me
i'd die for you, you see
i do believe
there's something in how you look at me
i could linger on your mind
when the night is heavy and you've lost the light
if you want me then i'll want you and you'll be mine
i could be the one you sleep beside
i know that i am overemotional
i know that i am far too much
i know that it is complicated
but it could be enough
i know that you've got issues lately
i know the ghost we grieve
i know your hand in mine is heavy
but i will never leave
i'm gonna linger on your mind
when the night is heavy and you've lost the light
if you want me then i'll want you and you'll be mine
i could be the one you sleep beside
la- liars like you like liars like me
i'd live for you if you wanted
even if you don't agree
if you left you'd leave me haunted
i could linger on your mind
when the night is heavy and you've lost the light
when you want me then i'll want you and you'll be mine
i will be the one you wake beside
la- liars like you
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9. |
wishes
02:37
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i am having a psychotic break over as a guest
we are spooning wrapped in sheets in the comfort of my bed
we are making quiet love, but we never make amends
in the whisper of the light of dawn i greet it as a friend
it interrupts my conversations, strays into my dreams
we don't argue anymore but never do say what we mean
it's a gamble, it's a game, and the floor becomes the sea
when the walls will ask my name again what will become of me?
and i wish that people thought i was funny
and i wish my art made me more money
and i wish we talked more often, honey
it's the thing that i can't say
i haven't seen your face, a long time
haven't heard your voice, a long time now
my imaginary audience says all the world's a stage;
i've been a walking corpse since i don't remember the age
my madness and i steadying through ruin and through rage
i am keeping myself grounded. i am keeping myself safe.
i am sitting down politely with the madness in my room
we share maple cappuccinos and we speak of pretty doom
i imagine figures weaving lives together on a loom,
i imagine all my life has been a detour from the tomb
i wish that my dreams were more realistic
i wish that i could live off of my music
i sometimes wish that i wasn't so foolish
all these echoes in my brain
that i can't translate into song
and i wish that i could feel alive
i wish it was possible to thrive
i wish i wasn't haunted
and i wish that i was wanted
and i wish i meant it every time
i said i'm fine
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10. |
little death
03:07
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suicide and i
we're been in an on-and-off-relationship for the last decade or so
each time
it feels like i lose my mind when he takes me home
we're meant for each other like water and fire, like earth and the
brilliant blue sky
suicide and i
and i'm a little bit out of it right now
i know there's music but i can't hear the sound
is it over yet
and i'm a little bit out of my own brain
he's gonna take away my pain
the little death
suicide and me
when he shows up at the door i never quite know what to do
so i agree
that it's all my fault when the floor falls through
we're meant for each other like whiskey and ice,
like a magnet sticking to a knife
suicide and i
and i'm a little bit out of it right now
i know there's music but i can't hear the sound
is it over yet
and i'm a little bit out of my own brain
he's gonna take away my pain
the little death
but it's been a while since he came around
maybe it's too far for him to travel to the new home i found
and the years have changed me, oh it's been so long
i wonder if this is our breakup song
and i'm a little bit out of it right now
but i can hear myself, i hear the sound
it's almost time
and i'm a little uncertain how this goes
but i think i know
i'll be fine
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11. |
touch me
02:22
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i'm shining, baby, as the sea
baby that's me, baby touch me
i'm timeless, baby, as the stars
that's just who we are, that's just who we are
dream of me when it's dark
when i come close you feel sparks
don't let it go, let me in, let me feel how you move
'cause you knew,
i'm shining, baby, as the sea
baby that's me, baby touch me
i'm timeless, baby, as the stars
that's just who we are, that's just who we are
dream of me when it's bright
when i come close i sigh
don't let it go, touch my body like it's made of gold
'cause you know, oh
i want your hands on mine
i want you on me all night
i want everyone to love me hard
awaken this cold heart
i'm shining, baby, as the sea
baby that's me, baby touch me
i'm timeless, baby, as the stars
that's just who we are, that's just who we are
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Jai Mohan New York, New York
Jai Mohan is a genre-fluid composer based out of New York. he writes music about queerness, gender, polytheism, disability, big feelings, tiny moments, and the mortifying ordeal of being known.
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