1. |
happy
02:37
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(i'm sad in the morning, i'm sad at night
i'm sad in the evening when i get home and i turn on the lights
i'm sad in the winter, i'm sad in the fall
i'm sad in the summer, doesn't that just say it all?)
i was so sad
yeah i went mad
it was so bad
but it's over now
this isn't a vent
everything ends
i'm still sad
but i got friends now
it was so rough
i was never enough
everything sucked
but i lived somehow
still remember
but it's getting better
i'm still sad
but i'm happy now
(now, now) i'm still sad but i'm happy now
(now, now) i was sad but i'm happy now
all of my lows
outweighed my highs
the places i'd go
before the sunrise
all of my moods
all of my drama
i was so caught up in my childhood trauma
all the bad sex with all of my exes
all of the ways that my body goes wrong
still remember
but now i'm borderline level
gonna make this one a happy song
(now, now) gonna make my lovers sing along
(now, now) that scared little loner's long past gone
for once in my life i can carry on
been waiting for so very long
i've been waiting for a while
i'm still sad sometimes but now i remember how to smile
these are victories because
i'm sad but i'm not as sad as i was
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2. |
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and you love him, even when his knife is in your back
and you love him, and you love him
and you love him, even in the panic attack
and you love him, and you love him
(stay til i don't love you anymore)
and you love him, even when the sky fades to black
and you love him, and you love him
(stay til i don't love you anymore)
and i tried to tell you he's not coming back
and you love him, and you love him
(stay til i don't love you anymore)
and you love him, and you love him
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3. |
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(whoa-oh)
i suppose
you can never get too close
(whoa-oh)
everybody knows
sometimes these things just run their course
(whoa-oh)
and it's not like i depend on being yours
(whoa-oh)
but i miss you
the poison
the boys and the cure
the ruin
it's moving in blurs
you're not part of me like you once were
and i miss you
(oo, oh)
(whoa-oh)
i suppose
you were never really mine
(whoa)
when you'd go
i watched you walk away each time
(whoa-oh)
and it's not like lying's such a crime
(whoa-oh)
but i miss you
the poison
the boys and the cure
frozen
in water once pure
i'm drifting in water unsure
and i miss you
you burned me down,
right into ash
spilled acid on
my greatest plans
you cut me down
the bigger man
and i understand
it now
why Icarus flew upwards
adorned in candle wax
once the sunlight scorches you
there's no going back
the poison
destroying the cure
sleeping
never to stir
you're not part of me like you were
and i miss you
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4. |
soon enough
03:44
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soon enough there'll be
nothing left of me
nothing left of me but you
wonder if you'll be
something like lonely
with only yourself to talk to
no one loves me like you do, my darling
nobody loves me as much as you
i'll be the house that your fire consumes
soon enough you'll see
nothing's left of me
if you think i'm still who you knew
wonder if you'll be
something like happy
to see that you succeeded in what you sought to do
no one hurts me like you do, my darling
nobody hurts me as much as you
you'll be the liar and i will be true
i'll be the gray and you'll be the blue
you always win and i always lose
i'll be give blood and you will cut through
i think maybe i always knew
you are a drug and i am an addict
i am the smoke and you are the lines
and i will go back again and again for the fix
withdrawal would probably actually kill me this time
no one hates me like you do, my darling
nobody hates me as much as you
i'll be the house that your fire consumes
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5. |
drown (2023 version)
04:09
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are you in over my head?
are you at the bottom yet?
are you halfway close to dead?
you are falling, falling, falling
tell me, how could you forget?
did you lose your one regret?
was it really for the best?
you are falling, falling, falling
now the sea
rises over your body
(the ocean floor) the floor cradles you
the sirens are calling, calling, calling
are you in over my head?
are you at the bottom yet?
are you halfway close to dead?
you are falling, falling, falling
tell me, how could you forget?
did you lose your one regret?
was it really for the best?
you are falling, falling, falling
now the sea
rises over your body
(the ocean floor) the floor cradles you
the sirens are calling, calling, calling
forget me
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6. |
unreliable
03:14
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tonight i'm gonna take every pill in my room
they'll fix me right up, i'll be better than you
and i'll drink every bottle that i bought this afternoon
and stay in bed til i stop breathing
i lost another friend that i made so long ago
'cause i cancel half of the plans i make
i'm the most unreliable person i know
except for when i'm making all my old mistakes
i've got one lover left and i'm sure that they'll leave me
when they get tired of the things in my head
i've got seventy servers that are never gonna grieve me
but i'm sure they all wish that i was dead
tonight i'm gonna take every pill in my room
they'll fix me right up, i'll be better than you
and i'll drink every bottle that i bought this afternoon
and stay in bed til i stop breathing
since the day i was born i've been grieving
my element was always fire not stone
so unbecoming of a Capricorn
i was the air like music in the saddest songs
drop me in water like a bath bomb
erase my broken heart
i fall apart
and i fall apart
i fall apart
and i fall
and i fall apart
i fall apart
tonight i'm gonna take every pill in my room
they'll fix me right up, i'll be better than you
and i'll drink every bottle that i bought this afternoon
and stay in bed til i stop breathing
since the day i was born i've been grieving
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7. |
stars (2023 version)
05:43
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have you ever been lost?
have you ever been lonely like me?
have you ever been alone?
at night, at home?
when the stars are far enough that you can't see?
one billion galaxies, two thousand constellations
three dozen exoplanets whose names i don't know
four billion stars with names in languages long dead
i try to count them but the sun comes up and they go
all my stars are dying as we watch
the way i keep living on every day
and gravity is telling me it's time to move on
and i am losing it, and i am losing my way
have you ever been tired?
have you ever been tired like me?
have you ever been low
at night, alone
when the world is far enough that you can't breathe
one billion galaxies, two thousand constellations
three dozen exoplanets whose names i don't know
four billion stars with names in languages long dead
i try to count them but the sun comes up and they go, oh
all my stars are dying as we watch
the way i keep living on every day
and gravity is telling me it's time to move on
and i am losing it, and i am losing my way
and i talk to the stars til the nighttime burns away
and i talk to the stars and this is what i say
all my wishes are dying as you watch
the way i keep dying every day
and gravity is telling me i need to stop
'cause i can't fly and the sky is losing my way
i'm losing my way
have you ever been lost? have you ever been lonely like me?
have you ever been alone? at night, at home?
when the stars are far enough that you can't see?
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8. |
i have decided to go
02:04
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to be often unwanted is a slow and subtle thing
that makes its presence known in silences and shocks
i am most often conscious of the things that i am not
to be unlovely and unloved as the carnage i have wrought
to be outcast among outsiders is a lonely weight,
heavy on your shoulders and wrapping round your neck
heavy like your muscles or your body or your deadname
ooh, but it's so easy to forget
and to be in this space was not a waste
but it constricts me til i cannot grow
you don't want me around and it's starting to show
and you won't let me in, that i know-
i have decided to go
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9. |
Jupiter storm
02:37
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you said i'm a piece of art
well call me Vincent van Hoe
baby pin me to the wall
navigate my heart
trip me up until i fall
you're the lighter and the spark
you're steady like a stone
i think of you when we're apart
and i am the monster under the waves
i am the offerings over a grave
but it disappears when you say my name
you said we could be flowers and feathers and flame
i am a creature of creature delights
would you allow me to leave on the lights?
i am the poison in my own wine
i lied to you when i said i was fine
i'm sorry i've been a mess all of this time
i wanna transform
and i wanna be loved
i wanna be lovely
as a Jupiter storm
i wanna be enough
for the stages i perform
and i hate feeling ugly
i wanna be warm
and i am a boy of ceramic and bone
i cannot cope with being alone
but that disappears when you light up my phone
i think of you in the wasteland of my home
i am a creature of creature delights
would you allow me to leave on the lights?
love is my virtue and it is my vice
i lied to you when i said i was fine
i'm sorry i've been a mess all of this time
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10. |
growing (demo)
03:20
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cotton candy sky waves the day goodbye to me
all the endless nights, they begin to recede
wonder if i'll cry coming out of the tunnel and into the light
and out of the rubble, and into my life
i burned myself a couple times
i did it on purpose
slashed my skin and counted cuts by five
until i didn't feel worthless
but it's all crystalline,
buried in duloxetine
i used to self-propel towards an early death
to still the marvelous machine,
to drift in gray without the green,
but i have never felt this brilliant of a red
i fall in love with friends
i fall in love with living
i wanna make amends
i find myself forgiving
the person that i was
i fall in love with hoping
i fall in love with love on purpose
i think that i am growing
i took too much a couple times
i did it on purpose
22 pills swallowed down with wine
until i didn't feel worthless
but it's all crystalline,
buried in duloxetine
i used to self-propel towards an early death
to still the marvelous machine,
to drift in gray without the green,
but i have never felt this brilliant of a red
i fall in love with friends
i fall in love with living
i wanna make amends
i find myself forgiving
the person that i was
i fall in love with hoping
i fall in love with love on purpose
i think that i am growing
i wanna grow older now
even if i'll never get sober
i wanna grow older now
i wanna grow older
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11. |
hollow (live)
02:34
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i've been feeling a little less hollow
i'm meeting my lover tomorrow
i'm meeting my lover tomorrow, mm
all the names that i stole and i borrowed
all the shit that i bought when i wallowed
in misery, melancholy and sorrow, ooh
and i don't always know who i am but they do
i walk into the dark and they follow
i still have flashbacks to fourteen and fifteen
five ghosts follow me around
clear the air with my cannabis terpenes
i make amends with my own self now
and i think that i wanna get older now
and i think i'll survive it all somehow
i've been feeling a little less hollow
i'm meeting my lover tomorrow
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Jai Mohan New York, New York
Jai Mohan is a genre-fluid composer based out of New York. he writes music about queerness, gender, polytheism, disability, big feelings, tiny moments, and the mortifying ordeal of being known.
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