1. |
he wanders (poem)
01:52
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he wanders; he is welcome;
wherever he goes he can find a friend.
he sings with a voice like tree bark, laughs like a raven or a river,
yells like a storm.
he has beheld the best and worst of people,
he has seen sorrow (and caused such too).
he speaks fury, he speaks with a thousand shifting voices,
his eye every color, flashing. he speaks wisdom
his laughter sharp, his grin an avalanche
he has sacrificed of himself in search of
more, more, more—
and seen the potential in me.
him, hair and beard wild, hands steady.
have you heard him sing? all the birds stop and listen and sing back
he is clever, he is wise; ever learning more,
ever expanding like the universe itself. terrible and vast.
he knows the song Yggdrasil hums
he knows me, too.
he tells me "be kinder to yourself," his hands gentle on mine.
he brings me sleep when i sleep not;
i bring him myself, truthful, hopeful, mostly
in my dreams i sit before him in a sprawling forest
or in cool rooms full of fabric, or crowded halls—
awake i see him in... not quite everything, but a lot.
he has seen me in despair,
he has brought me immeasurable joy;
he holds creative spark in his tongue
and coaxes sound from it.
i sing for him. a gift for a gift.
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2. |
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deep in the woods
under the snow
sleeping on stone
deep in the woods
under the snow
buried below
deep in the woods
lost in the cold
i wait alone
come and find me (the ravens call)
come and find me (the snow will fall)
deep in the woods
under the snow
silent as stone
deep in the woods
heartbeat slowed
frozen as hope
deep in the woods
the wind blows
the call of a crow
come and find me (the ravens call)
come and find me (the snow will fall)
come and find me (the day will pass)
come and find me (won't breathe my last)
come and find me (i won't breathe my last)
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3. |
high
02:25
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you're better than drugs, drugs to me
look at me now and tell me you see
i'm not addicted, no not to you
this is better than what i've put myself through
you're better than coke the one time i did it
sweeter than sugar though you won't admit
you make me love you, you make me love me
you're so much better, oh, you're so much better than weed
you're better than herbs that tickle my brain
better than pills i take for my pain
and though i like taking them with you
you're better than shrooms, you're better than shrooms
you're better than wine, you're better than liquor
better than drinks that just make me sicker
and when i sit myself down in your hall
you're better than alcohol
i have a problem, i admit it
i do this thing and i don't ever quit it
but i'm gonna try to be safer this time
'cause after everything you want me alive
you're the high one, but so am i
maybe one day you'll make me wise
maybe one day i won't reach for wine
with you i'll be fine
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4. |
scared you'll leave me
02:52
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scared you'll leave me, scared you'll leave me
scared you'll leave me, scared you'll leave
scared you'll grieve me, scared you'll grieve me
scared you'll grieve me, scared you'll grieve
still believing, still believing
still believing, i believe
i am just a thread
in the tapestry you weave
scared you'll leave me, scared you'll leave me
scared you'll leave me, scared you'll leave
scared you'll grieve me, scared you'll grieve me
scared you'll grieve me, scared you'll grieve
i do not deny your chaos,
i am no longer naive
want you to keep coming 'round
ask and you will receive
scared you'll leave me, scared you'll leave me
scared you'll leave me, scared you'll leave
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5. |
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i wanna get better, better, better
but it's so hard
tattoo over, over
all my scars
i wanna get better, better, better (i wanna get better)
but it's so hard (i wanna get better)
tattoo over, over, over, over
all my scars (i wanna get better)
oh, i wanna get better, better, better
but it's so hard (i wanna get better)
tattoo over, over
all my scars (i wanna get better)
i'm tryna get better, better, better
i hope you know
i'm tryna get better, better
but it's going slow
i wanna get better, better, better
but i'm so tired (i wanna get better)
i wanna be water
but i'm on fire (i wanna get better)
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6. |
in my dreams
02:28
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in my dreams i've still got scars
my chest, my aching legs, my arms
i can see the spaces
where i burned my body down
in my dreams i'm still a mess
seven corvids in a dress
but music replaces
all the silences and sounds
in my dreams i'm still insane
leaning on a metal cane
but we dance like feathers
floating on a steady wind
in my dreams i'm growing wise
wiser when we harmonize
you undo my fetters
recognize all i have been
i sleep much more often now
i think i will live somehow
i am getting better
i am going to laugh again, ah
your laugh like a merry bird
you in every written word,
poetry, and song,
in every clever thing i write
i steal back my own lost hope
i'm the magpie telling jokes
singing, woven all along,
a tapestry of life
no longer will i dream of death
or waking undo myself
instead i will sing,
sing and laugh and feel
i have you, and more besides
i have weathered many tides
throughout everything,
scars are signs that i have healed
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7. |
god of the ravens
03:25
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i met an old man in a storm one day:
his eye and the sky were both cloudy and gray
we sat together and i sang a song
he sat in silence and listened along
i awoke thinking it was in my head
i didn't know i would find him again
late in the spring the months had gone by
i'd almost forgotten the friend in my mind
he had one shining brown eye, a birdlike black mask
the river was wide and the forest was vast
he sang of beauty, of home, of his wife
then he sat in silence with me through the night
the next time we met his eye was bright blue
he asked make a promise, and i made him two
i promised to learn, or at least to try
and i promised that i would stop trying to die
he said i would find joy, though it would take time
i wept there and then and said hail to the High
when i woke up i stopped living in fear
Wodenaz taught me to take up my spear
Sleep Bringer brought me moments of rest
said he would see that i sing at my best
sat with me there in that spot in the woods
he said life was bad right now but could be so good
i see him in the eyes of strangers in bars
not that he's in there, but still, they are
he's taught me to care for people once more
he's taught me to love life; i didn't before
he is Wod, inspiration and frenzy and screams
Cosmic, expansive, in waking and dreams
he is the woods and the stones and the streams
i'll love him as long as i know what it means
i'll love him as long as i live, maybe more
god of the ravens that spiral and soar
Many-Named, Father of Galdr, friend
the Hanged God taught me to live again.
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8. |
darling
01:32
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my darling, please consider
you smile, it makes me shiver
you're all i need
stay with me
my darling, please consider
you shine in gold and silver
you're all i want
the house i haunt
my darling, wait and listen
your song is what i'm singing
you're all i need
the one for me
i was alone so long
but you waited all along
you always knew
i'd worship you
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9. |
nine (2023 version)
02:46
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oh, it's no use. it's fine
it's already too late
i loved you in the nighttime
i'll love you in the day
gray is the sky
the sunshine is gone
whenever i try
i keep doing it wrong
the sky is gray
the world's not right
but it's a beautiful day
because you're in my life
it's not that i'd die for you
'cause until recently,
i'd have died for, well, anything
and it's not that i'd live for only you
but i have a list of reasons to live
and you are like number three
oh, it's no use,
it's not that i'd die for you
it's fine
it's not that i'd live only for you
but i have a list of things to be "less sad" about
and you are number nine
it's fine
it's not that i'd rebuild the world for you
'cause i wanna change it
for so many reasons already
it's not that you're so different from my exes
the problem is
that your hands make me dizzy
it's just that you fit me
here, now
i think you already know
i think that i'd miss you
if you were to go
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10. |
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I know I hung on the tree nine whole nights,
spear-wounded, given to Odin,
myself to myself
on the tree which rose from roots which nobody knows.
they gave no bread nor horn of drink (they gave no horn of drink)
I looked down
I took up
the runes (screaming) (I took them)
and then sank back.
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11. |
crawling
03:03
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(ooh)
there's panic crawling in my veins
there's trouble locked inside my mind
you are the god of many names
you have my heart, though it's still mine
there's worry underneath my skin
there's muscles aching 'round my bones
but you know everything i've been
with you i'll never be alone
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12. |
love's an action
03:54
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he's a river surrounding my skin
running over all i've ever been
he has seen me at my very worst
i found him, he found me first
he's a billion stars in the night sky
he's a storm centered on a single eye
he's the High One, gets me high
makes me happy, drives me wild
love's an action, so is healing
every time he sends me reeling
every time i hear him speak
makes me stronger, gets me weak
i dreamed his fingertips again
saw him beside me in my bed
his arm around me, our legs wound
god of breath, god of the bound
his mouth and then i closed my eyes
his mouth closing over mine
hands on shoulders, hands on thighs
he's so wise, yeah he's so wise
love's an action, so is healing
every time he sends me reeling
every time i hear him speak
makes me stronger, gets me weak
i follow him through the dark
he gets me wet, he gets me hard
he's a killer; i die in his arms
the death is little, and his skin is warm
love's an action, so is healing
every time he sends me reeling
every time i hear him speak
makes me stronger, gets me weak
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13. |
ecstatic states
06:07
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(hello hello, this is Jai Mohan, coming from inside his room. if you do not want to hear a horny song, skip on to the next one, because this song is horny as fuck.)
may my body be an altar to you
testosterone and tattoos
i will live and dye my hair
you have seen me in despair
you've seen me in disarray
you get me into ecstatic states
i offer you these chords and words
you say, lay with me little bird
i worship my gods with my mouth and my hands
oh, i'm only a man
i worship my gods with my art and my body
oh, it's something special that you want me
you are the storm and i get lost in your eye
even when i'm sober, you get me high
i'm a damn good singer and a damn good lay
when you get me into these ecstatic states
your eye in green and brown and blue
it's not that i fall for you
it's more like a power walk
fuck i love it when we talk
fuck i love it when you laugh
Maddener, you drive me mad
i die a tiny lovely death
your hands, my breath
i worship my gods with my mouth and my hands
oh, i'm only a man
i worship my gods with my art and my body
oh, it's something special that you want me
you are the storm and i get lost in your eye
hail to my lover, hail to the High
i'm a damn good singer and a damn good lay
when you get me into these ecstatic states
you open my windows and let my rain pour
i used to have walls but you walk through my doors
you make me alive where i wasn't before
you take my hand and lead me to who i wanna be
i get a bit braver with you beside me
you make me wiser, you make me believe
i worship you with my tongue and my lips
oh, a gift for a gift
i offer you music, and this is the truth
and i am in love with you
if you are the storm then i get lost in your eye
i was an addict once, but you are my high
i'm a damn good singer and a damn good lay
when you get me into these ecstatic states
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14. |
heart and eye (poem)
02:03
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in a vision i knelt before you til you bade me rise
this was a good thing as it hurt my knees and you knew that
you placed your hand
over my bare skin and i said i am yours as well as my own
vulnerable, i waited, idly humming a tune,
as your hand sank past bone and blood
you pulled out my beating heart
and i said this too is yours
it didn't hurt a bit, i just felt cold and hollow, air rushing in
and blood rushing out
and oh, i stood like a devotee and lover and poet,
watching your lovely mouth
your teeth into my heart your grinning bite.
it was so beautiful.
you plucked out your one eye,
and i watched, stunned,
as you placed it
where the aorta once had been
(i hope it tasted good. i will not feed you any more of me, you understand,
but my heart is yours as well as my own. i adore this face of you like i adore your other faces.)
you took the whole bloody creation, visceral, vivid like good art,
bound it up with lace you pulled from your pocket.
and you gently pushed it back into my chest as your eye regrew.
and i said, this, this love is mine as well as yours.
and then you placed
your bloody mouth on mine
and gave me breath again.
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15. |
fall
03:50
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i will wear out the ink on my skin, from the words to the sigils
this is my nightlong vigil
i will wear out my soul
and the soles of my shoes
and i'll remember you
i'm the most toxic substance in the cabinet you own
promise me you'll walk me home
i'm spiraling down and i never stop
but i'm drawn to you, you're a fire and i'm a moth
i'm chasing times i know will never come
keeping up these habits, just to keep from going numb
i'm chasing death, fueled by bottles of booze
i'll remember all my nightmares, but i'll remember you
i'm the most toxic substance in the cabinet you own
promise me you'll walk me home
i'm spiraling down and i never stop
but if i survive, i'm gonna give you what i've got
this tightrope between me
and my self-imposed apathy would burn anyway
i am in free fall
this tightrope between me
and my self-imposed apathy would burn anyway
i am in free fall
i'm the most toxic substance in the cabinet you own
promise me you'll walk me home
i'm spiraling down and i never stop
drawn, drawn to you like
i am in free fall
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16. |
fool
01:35
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i got a lot of faith
i got a lot of doubt
i doubt my own existence
and experience and sound
i sing the whole house down
i write a lot of words
i sing a lot of songs
i stay up way too late
until the crack of dawn
i'm holding out and holding on
i got a lot of love
i got anger too
i've been such a mess,
i've been such a fool
i'm trying to get better for you
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17. |
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i remember
your arms, safety
wrapped around me
i was warm
i remember
i was waiting
for the sunlight
through the storm
i remember
silence, waiting
then a song burst
brighter than snow
you were there
when i was low
when i was lonely
Odin, you've always stayed with me
i am yours now
the battle's over now
the battle's over now
i'm never coming down
i'm never coming down, i'm never coming down
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Jai Mohan New York, New York
Jai Mohan is a genre-fluid composer based out of New York. he writes music about queerness, gender, polytheism, disability, big feelings, tiny moments, and the mortifying ordeal of being known.
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